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Eat Pray Love on “Desperate Love”

July 8, 2011 By Leave a Comment

In her book Eat Pray Love (page 18-19), author Elizabeth Gilbert shares the insight:  “In desperate love, we always invent the characters of our partners, demanding that they be what we need of them, and then feeling devastated when they refuse to perform the role we created in the first place.”

How to deal with the “desperate love” challenge?

First recognize the all too common tendency in ourselves to expect our partner to fit into the mold we have fashioned. Doing so is the first step toward a mature acceptance of the partner’s right to be his or her authentic self–regardless of whether all aspects of that self please us.

What if your partner or a potential partner is viewing you through “desperate love” eyes?

Behave in ways consistent with your authentic self regardless of your partner’s or potential partner’s expectations for you to be different from who you really are. By doing so,  you will escape the trap of being a victim of the other person’s desperate love, which may have little to do with the real you.

What it you’re having difficulty doing any of the above?

A skilled therapist can assist you in getting past obstacles to connecting your authentic self and expressing it in relationships. Partners in a good relationship are are respectful and accepting of the true nature of themselves and of others.

Filed Under: Singles Tagged With: , , , , ,

Is John Gray right about men not washing dishes? What do you think?

July 5, 2011 By 4 Comments

John Gray, author of Men are from Mars; Women are from Venus, says wives should wash the dishes even though they do the cooking. I think he makes some excellent points in his book, but I disagree with him on this one.

John explained to me when we chatted at Book Passage in Corte Madera, California, that men should be able to retreat to their den to unwind after dinner. Women keep finding ways to occupy themselves with tasks nearly all the time anyway, because this is their nature. So if they don’t do dishes they’ll be working at something else.

In my experience, John Gray is correct in generalizing about women being more likely to be busying themselves doing something constructive more of the time than men who are prone to kick back for long periods of time in front of a TV, newspaper or book.

But if the wife would rather be working on the computer or doing some other task than cleaning up in the kitchen, she will appreciate her husband for handling that job. The arrangement will feel fair and she will feel happier and nicely supported by him.

I think it’s about her being able to choose how she spends her time rather than about her being expected to do dishes after she’s already knocked herself out preparing/cooking a nice meal.

Besides, if instead of feeling exhausted physically and emotionally from from cooking and cleaning up afterwards, a wife who experiences her husband as loving and caring will have more energy to be a loving, intimate partner.

What do you think?

Filed Under: Guest Blog Tagged With: , ,

MEEK Mothers of Teens Unite

April 1, 2011 By 2 Comments

I don’t think of myself as an overly permissive parent. But after publishing a tongue-in-cheek article about MEEK, a pseudo-organization I allegedly founded for moms whose teenagers complain about being embarrassed by them (after all we’ve done for them :-)) I wondered.

MEEK is an acronym for Mothers Eternally Embarrassing Kids.

Here is what is true in my article:

My friend Gittel, experienced mother of nine, has already raised several teenage boys who are now past voting age.  She really did say when my son Avi was 13 that the only way I could not embarrass him would be put a bag over his head. Whoops, Freudian slip!  I meant “to put a bag over my head.”

When I mentioned this to Avi, he really did ask, sounding hopeful, “Would you really do that?

Filed Under: Humor

Pre-marriage advice from an “old” married woman

November 1, 2010 By Leave a Comment

December 2010 photo of Clare, married for 26 years

Recently I found a letter Clare wrote to me in 1988, back when friends who lived far away kept in touch by snail mail.

Clare had been my roommate in Greenbrae, California before she moved to Hawaii. There she met her husband; they remained in Kona Kailua, where they raised a son. Four years after she married James, I wrote to tell her that I had recently become engaged.

Clare’s response has wisdom for anyone contemplating marriage. She wrote:

“Let’s see…advice as an “old married” lady (her tone is ironic: she was 30 at the time):  I think the most important thing you can do before getting married is to discuss together the expectations you each have of your spouse, and also the responsibilities you will each have. For instance, who’s going to pay the bills? Will all the money be in one account? Who will take out the trash? Cook? Wash dishes?

“These seem like boring practical things, but they can cause big arguments. If you expect your husband to do the supporting, and he expects you to do all the housecleaning, you need to know in advance so you can talk about it if you don’t agree. Love is great but the romance isn’t always there. I think it’s the other things that make or break it.

“Marriage is something you commit to making work–not just ‘well I’ll try and if it doesn’t work I’ll get out.’ People with that attitude are almost guaranteed failure. It takes a lot of giving in and letting your partner be himself. ”

I want to add something to Clare’s comment about “giving in.”

Either spouse will try to accommodate the other in a good marriage. Depending on the situation, including on who feels more strongly about a particular concern, one partner or the other should let go of his or her preference — for the sake of the relationship.

Now married for over twenty-two years, I can see how sage Clare’s suggestions are. She understands the need to discuss and agree on practicalities before marrying. She recognizes that in a good marriage you commit to making it work, you discuss and try to honor your partner’s wants and needs as well as your own, and you are guided by values you hold to be true.

Filed Under: Preparing for Marriage

Marriage Meeting Workshop for Therapists

November 1, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Class for Therapists with Instructor Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, taught at Alliant University in San Francisco, University of California Berkeley, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and National Association of Social Workers.  

The Marriage Meeting Program: A Strength-Based Approach for Successful Relationships

A good marriage supports the growth and vitality of both partners, emotionally and spiritually. This class offers a proactive, preventive strategy for strengthening couples relationships. Demonstrated to increase relationship happiness, this practical, self-help approach empowers clients with skills to hold a weekly “marriage meeting” that keeps a relationship on track, fostering intimacy, romance, teamwork, and successful resolution of conflicts. Step-by-step instructions make it easy for clients who are receptive to this approach to implement this highly practical program.

The class includes a review of a range of effective communication skills, a discussion to differentiate couples who are ready to learn to conduct Marriage Meetings from those more likely to benefit from intensive couples and/or individual therapy, and a demonstration of couples therapy.

For more information call 415-491-4801.

Filed Under: Workshops

October 29, 2010 C.E. Class for Therapists

October 7, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Classes for Therapists with Instructor Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW

Everyone is welcome to attend these classes at:

  • Alliant International University, San Francisco
  • University of California at Berkeley Extension, Counseling and Psychotherapy Program

Next class: October 29, 2010, 10AM to 2:30PM, Alliant International University, San Francisco
The Marriage Meeting Program: A Strength-Based Approach for Successful Relationships (4 hours of CE credits) One Beach Street, Suite 200, San Francisco, CA 94133

A good marriage supports the growth and vitality of both partners. This class offers a proactive, preventive strategy for strengthening couples relationships. Demonstrated to increase relationship happiness, this practical, self-help approach empowers clients with skills to hold a weekly “marriage meeting” that keeps a relationship on track, fostering intimacy, romance, teamwork, and successful resolution of conflicts. Step-by-step instructions make it easy for clients who are receptive to this approach to implement this highly practical program.

www.ce-psychology.com/product260.html>Register online View flyer

For more information call 415-491-4801.

Filed Under: Workshops

Don't like meetings?

October 7, 2010 By Leave a Comment

On hearing about my pending book, The Marriage Meeting Program: 45 Minutes a Week to Guarantee the Long Term Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, many people say, “Good idea.” But not everyone is eager to dive in. Why some people are too shy to try a meeting and convincing reasons for them to do it any way are presented in two of my articles on examiner.com

Filed Under: Marriage Club

Information for sliders #1, #2, and #3

October 3, 2010 By Leave a Comment

Eric:

For slider #1: Marcia  Naomi Berger, Therapist, with photo inserted of me in office like setting in the original form that I sent to you via email. For some reason you cropped it. If it’s easy to teach me how to put the photo on the slider, I’d like to learn. That  photo is for Marcia Naomi Berger, Therapist (not Author) so please change that or tell me how. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear when we met in person.

Here is the text to go on slider #1: (49 words)

“In the midst of winter I found that there was within me an invincible summer-“ Camus

Regardless of what challenges a person may be experiencing, good therapy brings about a recognition of one’s humanity and inner strengths. Through the process, people find their “summer place” and achieve more fulfilling lives.

Text for slider #2 Marcia Naomi Berger, Speaker:

  • Marriage Meeting Program workshop for couples
  • Marry With Confidence workshop for singles
  • Positive Communication Skills programs
  • Customized presentations for groups and organizations
  • Continuing education classes for Therapists

Eventually I’d like to put an improved photo on slider #2 (Speaker) but we can do that after the site is live. I’m okay starting with this photo that’s there now.

For slider #3 Marcia Naomi Berger, Author

  • The Marriage Meeting Program: 45 Minutes a Week to Guarantee the Long Term Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, a pending book.
  • Marriage Meeting Starter Kit, an e-book with tools and communication skills to begin conducting Marriage Meetings now.
  • See articles here on marriage, relationships, communications, emotional/mental health, creativity, and more.


Filed Under: Uncategorized

Decision Making in Marriage

September 15, 2010 By Leave a Comment

When asked the secret of their happy 60 year marriage, the husband said: “When we got married we made an agreement: I would make the decisions about major issues and my wife would make the decisions about small ones. So far there haven’t been any major issues.”


Filed Under: Humor

Quotations

September 13, 2010 By Leave a Comment

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open”  —George Bernard Shaw.

Filed Under: Humor
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