I don’t think of myself as an overly permissive parent. But after publishing a tongue-in-cheek article about MEEK, a pseudo-organization I allegedly founded for moms whose teenagers complain about being embarrassed by them (after all we’ve done for them :-)) I wondered.

MEEK is an acronym for Mothers Eternally Embarrassing Kids.

Here is what is true in my article:

My friend Gittel, experienced mother of nine, has already raised several teenage boys who are now past voting age.  She really did say when my son Avi was 13 that the only way I could not embarrass him would be put a bag over his head. Whoops, Freudian slip!  I meant “to put a bag over my head.”

When I mentioned this to Avi, he really did ask, sounding hopeful, “Would you really do that?

December 2010 photo of Clare, married for 26 years

Recently I found a letter Clare wrote to me in 1988, back when friends who lived far away kept in touch by snail mail.

Clare had been my roommate in Greenbrae, California before she moved to Hawaii. There she met her husband; they remained in Kona Kailua, where they raised a son. Four years after she married James, I wrote to tell her that I had recently become engaged.

Clare’s response has wisdom for anyone contemplating marriage. She wrote:

“Let’s see…advice as an “old married” lady (her tone is ironic: she was 30 at the time):  I think the most important thing you can do before getting married is to discuss together the expectations you each have of your spouse, and also the responsibilities you will each have. For instance, who’s going to pay the bills? Will all the money be in one account? Who will take out the trash? Cook? Wash dishes?

“These seem like boring practical things, but they can cause big arguments. If you expect your husband to do the supporting, and he expects you to do all the housecleaning, you need to know in advance so you can talk about it if you don’t agree. Love is great but the romance isn’t always there. I think it’s the other things that make or break it.

“Marriage is something you commit to making work–not just ‘well I’ll try and if it doesn’t work I’ll get out.’ People with that attitude are almost guaranteed failure. It takes a lot of giving in and letting your partner be himself. ”

I want to add something to Clare’s comment about “giving in.”

Either spouse will try to accommodate the other in a good marriage. Depending on the situation, including on who feels more strongly about a particular concern, one partner or the other should let go of his or her preference — for the sake of the relationship.

Now married for over twenty-two years, I can see how sage Clare’s suggestions are. She understands the need to discuss and agree on practicalities before marrying. She recognizes that in a good marriage you commit to making it work, you discuss and try to honor your partner’s wants and needs as well as your own, and you are guided by values you hold to be true.

Class for Therapists with Instructor Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW, taught at Alliant University in San Francisco, University of California Berkeley, California Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, and National Association of Social Workers.  

The Marriage Meeting Program: A Strength-Based Approach for Successful Relationships

A good marriage supports the growth and vitality of both partners, emotionally and spiritually. This class offers a proactive, preventive strategy for strengthening couples relationships. Demonstrated to increase relationship happiness, this practical, self-help approach empowers clients with skills to hold a weekly “marriage meeting” that keeps a relationship on track, fostering intimacy, romance, teamwork, and successful resolution of conflicts. Step-by-step instructions make it easy for clients who are receptive to this approach to implement this highly practical program.

The class includes a review of a range of effective communication skills, a discussion to differentiate couples who are ready to learn to conduct Marriage Meetings from those more likely to benefit from intensive couples and/or individual therapy, and a demonstration of couples therapy.

For more information call 415-491-4801.

Classes for Therapists with Instructor Marcia Naomi Berger, MSW, LCSW

Everyone is welcome to attend these classes at:

• Alliant International University, San Francisco

• University of California at Berkeley Extension, Counseling and Psychotherapy Program

Next class: October 29, 2010, 10AM to 2:30PM, Alliant International University, San Francisco
The Marriage Meeting Program: A Strength-Based Approach for Successful Relationships (4 hours of CE credits) One Beach Street, Suite 200, San Francisco, CA 94133

A good marriage supports the growth and vitality of both partners. This class offers a proactive, preventive strategy for strengthening couples relationships. Demonstrated to increase relationship happiness, this practical, self-help approach empowers clients with skills to hold a weekly “marriage meeting” that keeps a relationship on track, fostering intimacy, romance, teamwork, and successful resolution of conflicts. Step-by-step instructions make it easy for clients who are receptive to this approach to implement this highly practical program.

www.ce-psychology.com/product260.html>Register online View flyer

For more information call 415-491-4801.

On hearing about my pending book, The Marriage Meeting Program: 45 Minutes a Week to Guarantee the Long Term Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, many people say, “Good idea.” But not everyone is eager to dive in. Why some people are too shy to try a meeting and convincing reasons for them to do it any way are presented in two of my articles on examiner.com

Eric:

For slider #1: Marcia  Naomi Berger, Therapist, with photo inserted of me in office like setting in the original form that I sent to you via email. For some reason you cropped it. If it’s easy to teach me how to put the photo on the slider, I’d like to learn. That  photo is for Marcia Naomi Berger, Therapist (not Author) so please change that or tell me how. I’m sorry if I didn’t make that clear when we met in person.

Here is the text to go on slider #1: (49 words)

“In the midst of winter I found that there was within me an invincible summer-“ Camus

Regardless of what challenges a person may be experiencing, good therapy brings about a recognition of one’s humanity and inner strengths. Through the process, people find their “summer place” and achieve more fulfilling lives.

Text for slider #2 Marcia Naomi Berger, Speaker:

• Marriage Meeting Program workshop for couples
• Marry With Confidence workshop for singles
• Positive Communication Skills programs
• Customized presentations for groups and organizations
• Continuing education classes for Therapists

Eventually I’d like to put an improved photo on slider #2 (Speaker) but we can do that after the site is live. I’m okay starting with this photo that’s there now.

For slider #3 Marcia Naomi Berger, Author

• The Marriage Meeting Program: 45 Minutes a Week to Guarantee the Long Term Relationship You’ve Always Wanted, a pending book.

• Marriage Meeting Starter Kit, an e-book with tools and communication skills to begin conducting Marriage Meetings now.

• See articles here on marriage, relationships, communications, emotional/mental health, creativity, and more.

“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open”  —George Bernard Shaw.